Have you ever been in a circumstance where you are praying and asking God for a change in the way things are, but for some reason God doesn’t do anything? You are trying so hard to take another track in your life, but nothing changes. It’s all the same, you are hurting and God doesn’t seem to be concerned.
That’s where I was for a long, long time. I kept asking God why he isn’t helping and why he didn’t want the best for me, if he truly loved me.
The greatest struggle in this whole process is that you know God is God and he has the power to change the way things are happening, but for some reason he doesn’t. This knowledge of God’s sovereignty was frustrating me. At one point, I was tired of trying and asking God for help.
During this season of conflict, I started reading the book “When Heaven is Silent”. This book by Ronald Dunn just caught me when I was so indifferent to God. One of the most interesting things that it states is, “You can trust God and still get hurt”.
When I read it, I was troubled. I wanted to close the book and throw it away. It made me so angry and made me question my faith. I kept wondering, why I was following a God who is not going to stop me from hurting so much. It seemed like he did not want the best for me, and I just seemed like a fool for trying.
After months of contemplation, one evening I sat down in prayer and surrendered this desire to God, and asked him to take it from me. I know it was a beautiful picture I drew for myself, but it was time I gave it away. This was New Year’s Eve. I was supposed to be making ambitious goals and life changing resolutions, but ironically I was giving up on the grand plans I had for myself.
God did not come through immediately, but in time I realised what was happening. All this while I was trying to lead the life I thought was perfect for me. I was clinging on to dreams that I assumed was the best. But God never let it happen because it simply wasn’t the best he had for me.
I realised God was not changing the way things were happening because what was happening was the picture he was painting.
The hurting that the writer spoke about in the book was all part of the grand plan. Yes, it hurts and it’s not very pretty, but it’s such an honour to know this God so mighty has a picture for me so small. A picture that carried me to him.
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